This is such a central question to so many of us on the awakening path. We are shaken up deeply and our old belief systems, first they start to crumble, and then to tumble down. There we are, sitting in this mess and chaos is all around and inside of us. We are hurting, we are confused, we are sad, we are angry, we are helpless. Nothing makes sense anymore. What is happening to us? Where are we?
We are in between two worlds. We are in a transition phase. The old 3D (dualistic earthly)/4D(dualistic spiritual) world we used to know with its paradigms and rigid belief systems has already belched us out while the new one has not integrated us yet. We are lost. All we want is to end this. It feels like we just want to die. Welcome to the dark night of the soul.
“We are between two worlds. We are lost. All we want is to end this. Welcome to the dark night of the soul.”
Because that is what it is. We are dying. Our old, programmed and fake self is dying. We are on the way to quit defining ourselves through expectations of others or societal conventions. We have to lose everything we thought was true to make space for the return to what we truly are. We have to be lost to find ourselves. Our true self. The one we have forgotten about. The one that carries all of our wisdom. The one that is eternal. The one that only is unconditional love for ourselves and for others. The one that knows exactly who we are and what we came here for. The one that knows our mission – our life purpose.
No wonder, that this is a central question that all of a sudden appears and is so persistent: “Who am I, Who am I, Who am I….. “
I remember exactly that time in my own transition period when this question was hammering in my head. I had already lost my old self, but I did not know who I was anymore. I was still alive, but I had no purpose and no perspective. I was alone and I had no task that fulfilled me. It felt like falling into meaninglessness. Weeks and months passed by and all I did was sobbing and crying then picking myself up again, going for long walks in nature without any destination. I was in nowhere-land. All there was, was pain and despair. I did not know what was happening to me back then. But I can see it very clearly now. It was the complete surrender of my ego. It was struggling and fighting for the last time to survive and stay in the lead and shooting all fears and traumas that could possibly be there right at me. Thankfully I was too weak to fight anything back, so intuitively I did the right thing. I just let it pass through, cheering myself up with the mantra “this too shall pass”. But I still tried to find answers outside of me. Reading tons of articles and books, booking coaching sessions and exchanging with people in Facebook groups. Which was definitely a good thing to realize that I am not alone with my experience. I was missing one important point though: I had to turn inwards to find my truth.
“I was missing one important point. I had to turn inwards to find my truth.”
I was gently pushed into that direction. Again, more or less intuitively I did the right thing to guide me there: I started writing. I felt like I had to pour all of these experiences into some channel. First I was just journaling what was happening to me and what thoughts were passing through. I put down how I felt, what I was afraid of, what I dreamed of, what made me sad. It was a great outlet. In parallel, I started researching, what I loved doing when I was a child. I intuitively knew that I would find my answers there. So I went through old photos and pictures I drew. I asked my parents what I was really good at as a child and what I spent my time with. And, surprise: My mom told me that I taught myself reading and writing at the age of four, because I did not want to wait until school. So I started reading books before school and loved to read and tell stories. I spent a lot of time outside in nature, going on adventures. Inspired by a wonderful person that helped me so much on my journey, I started putting down what my perfect life would look like. I wrote my own essay of “Who am I”. I wrote it in the present tense, as if it was already here. I put down where I live, what kind of job I do, what people I surround myself with, what hobbies I have and most importantly: I put down how I feel in this perfect life of mine. It became a pretty detailed description written intuitively straight from my heart. Reading it afterwards was so striking. I had my answer. I knew exactly who I am.
For the first time I felt joy again. I had something to look forward to. And the question of “Who am I” just disappeared.
Unfortunately though, now it was replaced by the question “But how do I get there?”. Oh boy… great. The next round of ego fears came up. What if this happens and what if that goes wrong etc. I caught myself projecting all kinds of fears into the future. It took me quite a while to realize that as long as I am still letting the ego to be in the lead, I will be caught up in this vicious cycle forever. So I started watching it very closely. And I talked to it, treating it like an ailing person that is afraid to die. Step by step, day by day it calmed down. I did not get tired to turn inwards again and again. Through journaling, through walks in nature, through bathing in the sea or lakes, through meditation, through traveling on my own. Bit by bit seriousness and sadness got less and joy and light entered my life again. The more I forgave and turned blame and guilt into thankfulness for the great lessons it taught me and how much it contributed to my growth, the more light and joy expanded and darkness had less and less chances to take over the power again. One day, after a huge release of low vibrating energies, representing fear and anger, I felt deeply cleansed and at peace. The questions about life became meaningless. I knew that the only thing I had to do is to be and to trust in life’s own rhythm. Suddenly, I just knew that no matter what, as long as I follow my inner voice and guidance, I will always be ok and all of my needs will be met. I knew that I just had to switch from focusing on what I do not want to focusing on what I want. With my old self dying and my ego surrendering, there was no fear or imprinted patterns left. I learned that I am unique. So is my path and my mission. I learned that I am the only person that can guide my way. On the other hand I learned that despite my uniqueness, I am always connected to the whole and am part of the whole universe, being one with everything and everyone around me. I knew that I am never alone and this connection empowers not only myself, but the whole. I knew that simply by being my true self, I will contribute to the shift of other people and the planet.
“I knew that simply by being my true self, I will contribute to the shift of other people and the planet.”
That was my personal champaign cork. It took a long time to build up enough power to just make it pop out of the bottleneck. And all of a sudden all this light was streaming through me and around me. All this bliss was entering my system. Now I knew what it meant to feel whole. This is all we need to be. So the question of “Who am I actually changes into “AM I”? Most of my essays contents already manifested and I can feel that the rest is coming, too. I am just allowing things to unfold, without thinking about the “HOW” or a concrete scenario or solution. I am able to completely trust that the outcome will be far better than whatever I could imagine. I have experienced that so often now and it is amazing how brilliant the solutions of the Universe are.
So here is my short summary of tips how to find the answer to this question:
1) Observe your ego from a 3rd person’s perspective
This will help you to disidentify with your emotions and will help your ego to surrender. You will realize that you are not your thoughts, you are not your emotions, these are just energies you are experiencing.
2) See the good in the alleged shitty moments
Everything happens for a reason and the faster we leave the victim role and see the benefit in tough moments, we can move forward in our process. Once this lesson is learned, the universe will not present situations like that to you anymore
3) Accept, embrace, be grateful and let go
What you resist persists. It is like playing tennis against a concrete wall. The harder you hit the ball, the harder it hits back to you. So allow stuff to happen. Don’t build up counter pressure. Accept that you feel like this in that moment, embrace it, see the beauty in it, be thankful for this experience and then let it go.
4) Find your personal outlet that leads you back to yourself
All of this energy of low frequency that is building up in you of course makes you feel really uncomfortable. You need to find your way how to release it. There is no right or wrong, simply what works for you. Running, journaling, nature, water, painting, dancing, etc. etc.
5) Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want
Everything in this universe is energy. And alike frequencies sync with each other. So make sure that you focus on what you want as these are high frequencies. If you focus on what you don’t want, you will send out a low frequency of fear. The universe does not understand a “no” so to say. So imagine and paint your life in the most beautiful colours, feelings and images.
6) Experience uniqueness and oneness
We all are unique and have our special role. The Universe would not have created you if you weren’t necessary to the whole with your unique talents and gifts. So love yourself for being unique and follow your own path. Recognize that with your uniqueness, you are the perfect puzzle piece to the whole. Stop looking around what gifts and powers and experiences others have and comparing yourself with them.
Instead, experience this connection to everything and everyone around you and feel this incredible power of oneness running through you. All of a sudden, you will see the world through different eyes. Everything and everyone is beautiful, because everything carries you inside and vice versa.
7) Just trust and be
Although it might seem to be complete chaos, everything is in perfect divine order. Just trust that you are exactly where you need to be and you are experiencing exactly the things you need in order to grow back into your true self and divine power. Make sure you don’t passively wait for something to happen, but move actively forward, dealing with your stuff and have patience. You are of divine perfection in every single moment and your journey is a very fulfilling one, although you might not be able to see it yet.
8) Get your inner child as a consultant
The little you knows very well, what gifts, talents and true hearts desires you brought onto this planet. He or she will be very happy to assist you in rediscovering it all. So meet your little version often and talk to him or her as much as you can. You will be surprised how many things you had forgotten that you truly loved doing when you were a child.
The texts I share are always based on my own intuition and/or on experiences of friends and my own. I do not claim what I share to be the ultimate truth. I encourage everyone to only take what resonates to find your own truth and wisdom. As this is universal wisdom, I do not claim any copyright. Please feel free to share this content as long as you keep its message complete so that the meaning does not get twisted. Thank you. Vera