“Without love, all worship is a burden, all dancing is a chore, all music is mere noise” – Rumi
Looking back upon the years of my life, I see the dance I have become. The times I have struggled to find my footing, my grace, my balance. The times I have flown in ecstasy of being, my heart twirling and spinning in my chest. The falls and crashes; the rising and the deep bow of humble gratitude. In this life, I have danced in all expressions – never perfecting but always stretching for something higher and closer to God.
My name is Manysouk and I’ve often been a woman divided. One half of me has always been called to perform, to put myself out in public through acting, singing and dancing. I’ve trained in Egyptian belly dance, in Indian Kathak and Tahitian dance. I’ve trained vocally in lyrical and pop. I’ve been on more acting auditions than I can count. Then, there was the other half of me who craved the reclusive monastery life where I could quietly study ancient religions. Growing up Buddhist, I knew well that attachment was the root to suffering and I often wondered, am I drawn to performing out of ego? Is the void in me so great that I must seek the recognition from “out there” because I am not enough “in here?” I used to say “when I am old and retired, I’ll become vegetarian and live at the temple”. So, why am I drawn to the stage? I questioned myself constantly, trying to stay on the heart-centered path but always feeling as if I had fallen short.
“The friction between my two worlds was chafing and brought me to more than one dark night of the soul.”
My passions were a contradiction and I suffered greatly because of it. The friction between my two worlds was chafing and brought me to more than one dark night of the soul. And the universe – that perfect mirror – always had a way of showing me this fracture over and over again. Not long ago, I moved from France to London to pursue acting full time. But like a car that speeds ahead and then hits the brakes, my body seemed to jerk in defense. I got whiplash and was in pain every single day, leaving me in tears. I had also been struggling with very severe gluten and corn intolerances, fearing even the tiniest breadcrumb falling onto my plate and obsessing over every food label. My nervous system was jammed from the whiplash and the severe leaky gut condition. I couldn’t dance or perform. I didn’t understand why God would push me to follow my passion only to have me blocked in every way.
Triggers were everywhere, forcing me to go inward over and over again. I met two men, call them catalysts, twin flames, soul mates – the label doesn’t matter – who awakened inspiration and despair in equal measure. Then, I got an acting role that was written specifically for me but my whole body and soul rejected it. When the producer said I “wasn’t pretty enough for the part,” my ego wanted to stay and fight for the role, even though it wasn’t for my highest good. Finally, I after many sleepless nights, I let go of the struggle and turned down the acting part.
So often, I felt like a toy bounced between the paws of an inhumane God, pulled one way and then the other. I was already in the darkest of the dark nights of the soul from my twin flame experience and was healing/purging constantly. Finally, I made the conscious decision to move back home with my parents. Here, I curled into the cave of the recluse, sank into the void of having no identity or goals. I fantasized giving up everything, shaving my head and devoting my life within a sacred religious temple. At least being at home, my survival fears were quieted and I didn’t have to worry about money for a while. It was a rare chance to exit the Matrix and gave me an opportunity to heal and cleanse the family lineage, forgiving and thanking my parents for who they are. I started humming and chanting to Shiva. I researched Buddhist and Hindu texts. Slowly, I began to feel infused with the love of serving God. I surrendered. I mean REALLY surrendered. And I prayed to receive light and be shown how to honor life. And then one day, it came. One solitary word: DANCE.
“Dance. It was a word I had heard many times before but through the voice of ego. Now the voice was God’s.”
Dance. It was a word I had heard many times before but through the voice of ego. Now the voice was God’s. And in that voice, I felt the merge between the two halves of my soul. What had once been a complete disconnect between “life as a performer” and “life as a monk”, now blended into divine purpose. I would dance for God. I WILL DANCE FOR GOD!! The epiphany cracked open every cell and what poured forth was an endless stream of ideas. I could travel the world and vlog about different world dances; I could communicate with cultures and co-create through music and movement. This was my fluency, to communicate source love through performance!
The ideas just kept coming. I thought about creating an association to help young people with eating disorders. I wanted to start riding horseback to work on posture, connect with animals and be in nature. I wanted to eat food again instead of looking at it as a poison that would bring me pain.
As I scratched down those ideas, I cried in gratitude for I knew my voice was echoing God’s voice. Not even thinking about the how, I fell into trust that all would work out if it were from the heart and committed to the highest and greatest of all concerned.
That was my awakening moment. From the outside, most would not see how my life has been transformed. But I do. Now, I can have a part time job to pay for very basic and logistic needs while I set up my bigger adventures. I still love acting but I don’t revolve my life around it. Like a butterfly, I see the beauty of each experience, take a sip of nectar and explore the next. Isn’t this what God ultimately wants to experience through us?
What I learned is that the answers are with us since birth. My calling was performing. My calling was also to “live in the temple”. By performing for God instead of ego, I found that sacred sweet spot I had been so desperately searching for. Now, the internal dance has flowed into the external dance and my audience is always within me, applauding in infinite love.
The text shared is based on a truly personal experience to inspire others. It is not considered to be the ultimate truth, as such thing does not exist. I encourage you to only take what resonates to find your own truth and wisdom. The Wake Up Experience and its authors do not claim any copyright, as all that is shared is universal wisdom. Please feel free to share this content as long as you keep its message complete so that the meaning does not get twisted. Thank you. With lots of love, The Wake Up Experience Team