„This is so unfair! I have invested so much. My time, my energy, all of my savings. To build this website. To give access to information for people who are looking for answers. To empower people. And now I sit here with a pile of debt. I am so done with this!“
That was my ego speaking three weeks ago when four people on the same day were asking money back from me/us that we had lent last year to be able to keep on going with our project/mission Fast Forward/FFabric. Cosmic jokes, cosmic triggers.
I felt stupid, not understood, not valued. I felt betrayed by my own intuition. I just wanted to disappear. And I did. I withdrew. From Facebook, Instagram, friends and family. I wanted to be alone. All I wanted was to withdraw my energy out of the collective field, and make myself very compact. Not small. Compact. Be there for me. But who is that really? That „me“. And what is still left of me, if I am not „out there“ anymore?
“But who is that really? That “me”. And what is still left of me, if I am not “out there” anymore?
I was thrown into a deep identity crisis. After all these years of spiritual growth, learning, expanding, integrating, I felt I had returned to zero. I saw and heard that ego part of me swearing and cussing and wanting to throw in the towel. It wanted to have that discussion, right here, right now. „You gotta do something about that. You cannot live from all the love and light people are sending to you. Blasphemy! They should send money. Why do people not see you for who you are and appreciate you for what you do?“ I heard this voice in my head going on with this rant. „You have to this and that and bla, bla, bla…“ I felt pressure from this part of me.
And I did… NOTHING. No reaction. I surrendered. I cried for two days straight. It was a darkness and nothingness I had never experienced before. I could not see any purpose in what I was doing and in who I was. I was not able to get out of it. I was not supposed to in that moment. I was crying so hard because I was not able to handle that dark emptiness and the attempts of the old world to suck me back in. That feeling of being controlled. That feeling of owing something. That feeling of debt. That feeling of having to fulfil others expectations. That feeling of not being worthy. So I continued crying until there was no tear left. Then I saw it.
IDENTITY. It was all about things I was still identifying with and that I was attached to. Different identities that were entangled with each other. The persona Vera Ingeborg, the identity I had built up in the spiritual world, that – no difference to other gurus or teachers – most people saw as someone with answers to follow. A wayshower. „Who am I without that persona? Who am I without the Wake Up Experience? Who am I without followers?“ These questions hammering in my head were cutting like a knife. What is left of me without any roles, attachments, conditions, without any legacy?
“These questions hammering in my head were cutting like a knife. What is left of me without any roles, attachments, conditions, without any legacy?”
The past weeks, I had felt so much frustration, why people were still searching for outside answers, were still falling into the traps of teachers and gurus selling their truth and methods to keep them in dependency and make money with it. Why they were still believing in someone would come to save them or solve it for them, believing that new earth would be created by an event, by a financial reset, by aliens etc. All this conditional, disempowering bullshit out there.
And of course that was a mirror. By providing my insights, I kept contributing to this energy myself. That insight alone was a slap in the face, and drained me and made me endlessly tired. I had been giving, sharing, explaining, replying to thousands of messages, giving countless coaching sessions for free, investing so much energy in the past years. I had not seen it, but I was NOT doing it for me and NOT because I truly loved what I was doing. I was not in the flow, I felt tired and drained many times. I was still trying to do it for others and tried to „help people find their way and truth“ and at the same time I was trying to save my own ass and to make my living and solve my debt situation with this persona „Vera Ingeborg“, now in connection with our project Fast Forward. We felt we needed to prove that what we were doing was valuable and working to not disappoint people who trusted us and supported us. If we don’t succeed, we will end up being left with nothing. We will not survive. Conditional thinking and doing. Doubts and fear. Boom. How could I have not seen that?!?
Since 2015, The Wake Up Experience has had over 1.5 million visitors, and in average 1.500 visits per day, without any marketing. I had invested around 70.000 Euro of my own money and countless hours to design, build, host and operate the website, to record all the videos, to travel to the energetic spots to record them, cut them, re-audio them, to buy the equipment for it, to create the content, the logo, the brand, the photos etc. etc., and yet it did not come back in a way that I could afford a simple and beautiful life. Of course, I had a lot of joyful, beautiful moments and encounters, but in terms of “balance”, the opposite was the case. My funds and savings melted away, and I ended up in bankruptcy and debt.
“My debt. I was in shock with this insight. Who am I without my debt?”
IDENTITY. My debt. I was in shock with this insight. „Who am I without my debt?“ I was so identified with that feeling of debt and owing something to people and to the world. I was feeling trapped and stuck in that energy. I was trying hard to pay the money back, working an extra job, but instead I saw myself confronted with many unexpected expenses, that forced me to pay back less than what I had intended, and to sit with these feelings. Thank you Universe. Another wave of emotions washed over me and I screamed and cried it all out. Expressing all those feelings of powerlessness, frustration and of having no solution this time. It went straight to the core. My body went physically into complete disarray. I felt so much pain in my weak spots, my lower back and neck.
“My body, my pain, my weak spots… Who am I without my pain?”
IDENTITY. My body, my pain, my weak spots…. „Who am I without my pain?“ .. another insight, another ‚ouch‘ moment. Unconsciously I had still been in an energy of fighting against pain and symptoms. Fighting against myself. Having an excuse with my pain to not be present. Surrender again. Even deeper. And then so much gratitude to and for the pain and loving it for showing me what was still there that I did not love and accept about me. For the first time I truly treated the physical pain with love. The body started shaking, started opening up, started trusting and relaxing. I started crying again, and after all the releases, my space within was completely empty. This time it was a peaceful emptiness. A light, subtle and soft emptiness. No more darkness or heaviness. I did not feel like a victim anymore. I no longer was blaming or judging the outer experiences. This peaceful emptiness was so powerful. An omnipotent field of possibilities. A birth into a new completely unknown beautiful territory, waiting to be explored and discovered.
“This peaceful emptiness was so powerful. An omnipotent field of possibilities. A birth into a completely unknown beautiful territory, waiting to be expored and discovered.”
„I wish I did not need to ask the money back, but this is still the world we live in.“ That was what my friend had said when she asked the money back. She also said she was afraid that we would not pay her back. Non of it had a grip on me anymore. I did not feel responsible for compensating her fears, beliefs and reality. The energetic charge of „debt and owing“ was gone. What was left, was a commitment. We had agreed on this being a loan, so of course I would pay the money back. To her and to the others. But not from a place of feeling small or unworthy or obliged. Now it came from a place of intention, love and empowerment. Money would not control me anymore. People and situations would not have power over me anymore. I would not make myself small anymore. And I could now for sure say: „No, this is not the world I am living in anymore.“ “
I am creating a new, inclusive world now – for me, not for others. The way I imagine it and want it to be. And those who want to co-create it with me and us, based on the energy of oneness, abundance and play, are very welcome to join that new playground. I don’t have to find those people, I don’t have to convince anyone. It is happening organically, naturally, without any effort. The attachments to anything of the old world based on duality are gone. The only bridge between dimensions and people is our heart.
I don’t have to convince anyone. It is happening organically, naturally, without any effort. The attachments to anything of the old world based on duality are gone. The only bridge between dimensions and people is our heart.
I realized that nothing what we had learned based on the „laws of duality“ would work in this new frequency band. Conditions, expectations, control, identity, attachments, linear thinking, the finding out of HOW… all of it falls away. Everything that is not NOW, everything that is projected into the past or future or onto others, has expired and has no resonance field any longer. The old ways do not work anymore, no matter how hard we try to stay in that (spiritual) comfort zone. No more crutches, no more training wheels. We have outgrown the low-frequency jacket, it is too small to still be able to wear it. Now I see that all of it was an investment into myself. To expand, to learn, to integrate, to remember. Remember why I started it in the first place. I did it for myself, not for others. To dare to share my own experience. Isn’t that beautiful? This cycle? It is oh so perfect and it was so worth it.
NOW, I receive in so many ways. I create, I contribute, I pay back and I receive. In the moment. I experience an inner balance, abundance and oneness with more and more people around me. It is all in one field, everything is connected and it is all orchestrated so beautifully. The only distortion were my very own limiting beliefs, whether those were about myself or others.
“The EVENT and the dissolving of the old timelines/realities is an inner shift, not an outer change. It is our personal choice.”
The EVENT and the dissolving of the old timelines/realities is an inner shift, not an outer change. It is our personal choice. Nobody is going to do that job for you. It is one thing to talk about it and understand it all in theory. It is another thing to actually do and embody it. To let go of all that „truth“ out there, and return to our inner truth and intuition. Only we ourselves can let go of all attachments and beliefs we have and can jump into our pool of fears into nothingness, having faith that beneath the dark surface is a whole new spectrum of beautiful, warm and cozy colours and that the result is far beyond the best thing our mind could have ever come up with.
What is left of „me“ after dropping all these identities?
What remains is love, playfulness, curiosity, talent, passion and connection to all. The mirror is empty. Actually, in the world of oneness there is no mirror. There is no student or teacher. There is no follower or leader. In oneness there is exchange, sharing, spaceholding, and the realization that everything and everyone is an aspect of me and the organism I am part of. Just like all the cells in a body. There is not one leading cell. All of them are contributing with their unique function to the whole. All of them embodying the same code, the same DNA. Interdependently. You, me, us – it is all part of the same, with a unique essence and contribution.
The text shared is based on a truly personal experience to inspire others. It is not considered to be the ultimate truth, as such thing does not exist. I encourage you to only take what resonates to find your own truth and wisdom. I do not claim any copyright, as all that is shared is universal wisdom. Please feel free to share this content as long as you keep its message complete so that the meaning does not get twisted.
Thank you. With lots of love, Vera