By Jayne Sully Cole and Josh Walker
“The ocean is a desert with its life underground and a perfect disguise above.“
– A HORSE WITH NO NAME by America
It’s a strange and harsh teacher, the desert. At first glance, it’s an impossible terrain…hot and burning during the day; brittle and frigid at night. And yet, there is life that not only survives the desert but also thrives within the barren – a misunderstood beauty with a buzzing aliveness of purpose.
The desert is where we, Josh and I, had our “moment” – that razor edged choice between living and existing. We had been driving for days across the country. Driving to be free. Driving to find our purpose. Driving towards something we couldn’t see and away from something we didn’t want to face. Along that endless road in the Nevada desert, the void rose up from evening chill and suffocated our hope until our nerves were shot. “Stop the car,” I ordered, gripping his arm, my voice high and unfamiliar. “I can’t do this anymore.”
We pulled off the road, turned off the car and just sat there. Everything we owned was stuffed in that car and we had absolutely nowhere to go, nowhere to be. We were going the wrong direction and yet no other direction felt right. Our minds panicked and screamed, “YOU MUST DO SOMETHING!” But nothing came. It was as if our thoughts and all our hard won inner guidance had abandoned us in that desert, left us like white bones bleaching in the sun. We looked at each other and for the first time stared into the eyes of a stranger. No solutions, no salvation, no guidance came from the pupils. One gaze was as lost as the other. Our insides dropped in despair as we turned away from one another, his face pointing towards the road, mine to the cracked earth. Time stood still as we dealt with a depth of loneliness we had never experienced before.“
“Time stood still as we dealt with a depth of loneliness we had never experienced before.”
In the pounding emptiness, a tear stung my cheek as I tried to piece together how we got to this place. I remembered meeting my best friend and true love 5 years earlier when fate brought us together. He was the blonde haired, blue eyed, mysterious ocean of a man I had always wanted and I was the wisecracking, joyful fairy of a woman he had longed for. It took us months before we could even look each other straight in the eyes because it felt too intense. A casual touch of our lips melted time as if the very minutes on the clock slowed to drink in our kiss. We spent every night in each other’s arms, moved in together after only a few months, became engaged 10 months in and married before our second anniversary. “I found you!” we thought – the answer to everything we had been searching for.
Together, the world was our oyster and our pearl, a divine partnership that also turned into a shared business, a farm-to-table restaurant. It was a ton of work but what we created was incredible. From an old tavern bloomed a beautiful gathering place for the community we loved. Our 100% buy-local approach helped the area’s local farmers and the restaurant was constantly full. By most measures, we were a success for two years even though restaurant life was often rough, surviving employee turnover, slow off-seasons and the ups and downs of customer reviews. We didn’t realize that soon we would be thrust onto the ascension path and the real work would begin.
In January of 2018, I met with a galactic astrologist, the first in a series of catalytic events that would shift us to deep awakening. Soon we were remembering past lives spent together and apart; our first meeting on a different planet, in completely different forms; and, incarnations on Gaia as both female and male. Our human aspects grappled with the enormity of these visions. Insights exploded as we journeyed deeper and deeper into ourselves. Truths about our happiness and business came to the surface – is this the life we really want? Suddenly, running the restaurant that was once our dream now became an energy drain. We weren’t spending quality time with each other and the joy of our creation was fading. Finally, we decided to close the doors of our business. It was heartbreaking and confusing to let go of all that we put so much energy and love into. We felt we had disappointed all who had supported and rallied around us and when we filed for bankruptcy, the loss to our ego and self-esteem was huge.
With nothing left, we pushed forward to worlds unknown, to find that place where we could just be. I told Josh, “I want to live without plans. I want to let go of times, dates, obligations – all of it. I want to live on the wind.” He smiled in perfect agreement and we started our first road trip.
“I want to live without plans. I want to let go of times, dates, obligations – all of it. I want to live on the wind.”
We headed to California and stayed with a friend while we followed dead-end job leads. Money was growing tight and weighed on us both, sending us back into survival mode. The fear was leading the way and we both knew it but didn’t see an alternative. So, we packed up the car again and drove 6 days to Josh’s parents to spend the Christmas holidays, sleeping in nature along the way to save on hotels. At night, there were blissful moments under the stars but by morning, the familiar anxiety would grow stronger with each movement of the rising sun.
The holidays were a short-lived break and distraction before we headed back to California for a bartending job. With only $100 in our pocket, we set our sails but this time everything felt wrong. We had maps to the west but were lost, our souls weary. We knew in our core that we were running from something and we were in a dangerous looping pattern. That’s when the desert said “enough.”
“Stop the car. I can’t do this anymore.” Those first words still reverberated in the trapped car, loud within the silence. Josh finally turned to me, the despair clear for it was the same as my own. We both realized in that moment that the one we each depended on, the love of our life, had nothing to offer in this lost moment. The sparkling hope of a future story, a future utopia, disintegrated like sand through the fingers. The world turned black and alone, forcing us inward inward inward to the very bottom of solitude. The hopelessness was all encompassing, too vast and deep to even spur tears. Everything turned dry and dead as the desert surrounding us.
“We disengaged from one another and turned within, feeling into our own energy. And there, in what seemed our darkest time, a light sparked.”
We disengaged from one another and turned within, feeling into our own soul, our own energy. And there, in what seemed our darkest time, a light sparked. In that instant when we could no longer turn to one another for answers or support, something warm and new began to birth. Deep within that quiet space, I met my divine masculine. He rose from my core, held me in his strong arms and wiped my tears away. He told me he loved me and protected me and that I would be safe no matter what. And in that moment, Josh met his divine feminine. She gently ran her fingers through his hair and over his tired, sagging shoulders, cooing soothing words that she would love him and be by his side always. She told him he did not have to be responsible for the world, only himself. She told him that he was enough just as he was.
There in that desert, in our beloved and dusty car, we found a love of self greater than we ever found as two – a deep love not from an outside source but bursting forth from within. It was in endless supply, incredibly patient, all the things we had ever wanted. Together or apart, Josh and I would never be alone again.
At first there were no words. Our newly emerging masculine and feminine met one another timidly for the first time, nearly like our physical selves met each other 5 years earlier. We became calm and surrendered to their will, drove slowly to a little hotel in Tonopah, Nevada and talked that night and all morning holding the most real, honest conversations we ever had. The fear was gone – the fear of being left, of being alone, of losing one another if we wanted something different. No one needed saving or rescuing. Finally, we asked the question we both had been too afraid to ask, “What do you truly want?”
We quieted the mind and concentrated on feeling: how we felt together; what made us laugh; what adventures brought joy; what felt free. “Let’s stay in this feeling,” Josh said.
We remembered a place in New Mexico where we both had felt happy and at peace once. The feeling guided us. It was pure and true without fear. The rest of the answers would come but for right now, we would follow that one true feeling. This time we packed up the car not to run or search but to land. With our hearts blasted wide open, the raw, barren desert landscape now shimmered with more abundance than we had ever dreamed possible.
“This time we packed up the car not to run or search but to land.”
Today, we are enjoying our new life in New Mexico and the car is happily resting after all our restless travel. I’m busy writing up a storm and Josh is connecting with the earth and growing the foods we love. We take each day as it comes now, centering back to FEELING when fear or doubt or lack creeps up. We are two conscious beings, full and whole and perfectly imperfect. The pressure to fill a void in one another is no longer present. Together, we’ve created a beautiful third entity of partnership. We are two individuals who are madly in love with ourselves, making choices and taking responsibility for our sovereignty. Sometimes we create more for the partnership, sometimes we are just individuals “being.” And we love it all, the darkness and the light because we’ve learned that within the desert void, all creation, all beauty, all life and all love can spring forth unrestricted.
The text shared is based on a truly personal experience to inspire others. It is not considered to be the ultimate truth, as such thing does not exist. We encourage you to only take what resonates to find your own truth and wisdom. The Wake Up Experience and its authors do not claim any copyright, as all that is shared is universal wisdom. Please feel free to share this content as long as you keep its message complete so that the meaning does not get twisted. Thank you. With lots of love, Vera and Harmony
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